So I noticed that I can be fairly independent, but I have a tendency to play helpless when there are people visiting me. Playing the cripple. For example, I’ll come up with a limp for no reason, I didn’t even limp into the hospital. It’s another reaction based on fear. I’m afraid they will see me able to walk and talk, and think that they got tricked into visiting me at the hospital. Most folks like to wait until you’re at Death’s door before they can make the time to come and feel sorry for you.
So I decided that I was actively going to fight that tendency.
I’m not crippled, visibly sick, or falling apart in a lonely room, waiting for you to get here and save me.
I’m actually chilling.
Though there are some things.
Some things I would trade a limp for.
There’s the forgetting. Everyone forgets though. Everyone should keep a pad with them, so they write down the things that are important, or little to-do notes.
Pay car insurance.
Post something on blog .
Today is Friday.
Shower
Because these things, left to your own whims can be lost track of.
There’s also the breaking out into tears for little reason. But the docs all assure me that it’s only due to the drugs. Well, the steroids in particular. The antibiotics instead are just destroying my organs. Can’t mix the two. Or it could be the lack of sleep, as set on by a couple of the steroids, that happen to cause paranoia, we didn’t mention that. But don’t worry we can give you a pill for that. We have another pill that will help you with those kidneys that are being damaged. There’s always “a pill for that.” You get to a point where you forget what the heck you’re taking anything for, it’s just a handful of pretty colors, that you throw back as they bring them. I’ve been offered a pill to sleep. I even doubled up on it. I got a solid 1.5 hours of it. Then I read about the addictive side effects, wondered if the pharmaceutical company really considered that a side effect, or a primary desire, and decided to opt out of sleeping pill addiction. Not worth just an hour and a half of sleep.
Could be that you can’t go to your dad’s funeral. Could be that you haven’t talked to your mom in a few days. It could be that you miss your family, and want to be there for them, but you don’t have that option right now.
But it’s probably just the brain swelling. It will most likely go away.
Go to sleep. You need your rest.
Oh, and the flight of ideas. Does that mean the pill brought about the bipolar disorder, or just allowed it to express itself?
The double vision is a bitch too. Especially for my juggling career.
I feel like I’m trying to pour a glass of water from a firehose. Everything on top of me at a time.
Thus I carry a pad. And stop playing the cripple.
On a positive note, my hearing is getting better.
Everything is getting better. This is an exciting journey.
sGB